- 09 Jan 2017
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What Type of Driver are You?
1. The Death Defier
Expect the unexpected here because these drivers are just bad. It's as simple as that, really: they struggle to drive. They'd rather drive around the block all night than attempt to parallel park. The Death Defier just never got the hang of how to use a clutch and mirrors.
How to spot them: They are driving a car that's being held together with cable ties and prayer.
How to deal with them: It's of utmost importance that you keep as much physical distance between you and the Death Defier at all times. Note that they will speed up when you try to overtake them, and slow down for no reason whatsoever.
2. The Pastor
It's always a Sunday in the world of the Pastor – and slowness is close to godliness. Driving is not necessarily about getting from A to B but seeing how many syllables you can fit in between.
How to spot them: You'll know the Pastor by an elbow hanging out of the driver's side window, a gentle half-smile on the lips and a glazed look in the eyes. You think they're blissed out, but actually they're playing "I Spy" by themselves because the rest of the family has fallen asleep.
How to deal with them: If you're stuck behind a Pastor and can't overtake, don't panic. This driver is known to stop at almost every farm stall, lookout point, petrol station and dropped hat they come across. In fact, the Pastor and the Parent (below) are the only types of drivers to stop at those peculiar little picnic sites under trees at the side of the highway.
3. The Rosberg
It's not a journey to the holiday destination, it's a race. Foot flat, all the way.
How to spot them: They will appear out of nowhere and immediately slipstream onto your tail. This person is likely to overtake you on the inside at a sharp turn. They make their toddler pee in a cup in the back seat rather than stop and lose precious seconds off their record time.
How to deal with them: Remember that the Rosberg does not have fellow road users – she has competitors. Anything you do will be considered a provocation or capitulation. Our advice is to allow them to pass.
4. The Parent
Slow on the uphill, fast on the downhill. Functioning on huge amounts of coffee.
How to spot them: The Parent can't see out of his rear-view mirror because the boogie board on top of an entire family's bedding and luggage is blocking his view. The mountain bike racks, Venter trailer and surfboards on the roof make the Parent’s vehicle the least aerodynamic one on the road.
How to deal with them: A degree of pity would not be entirely uncalled for here. Remember: somewhere in that large vehicle is a slobbery dog too.
5. The DJ
Completely erratic because the style of driving depends almost entirely on the music that's playing. Prone to weaving when changing playlists.
How to spot them: They will have something hanging from their rear view mirror (which they use primarily to do a hair check). Their only passenger is an extremely attractive young person with big sunglasses (day or night), usually with their (perfectly manicured) feet up on the dash.
How to deal with them: Don't hoot; they won't hear you. Don't flash your lights; the strobe effect will excite them. Don't wave; they'll just wave back. The best thing you can do is tap your fingers on the steering wheel to show them you mean no harm.
Calm, safe, pleasant, pleasing, considerate, impressive, smooth, secure, friendly, confident, happy. Living in the moment. Enjoying the drive.
How to spot you: You're behind the wheel of a Mercedes-Benz, of course. Your kids are calm and your co-pilot admires your driving style even more than the scenery. And the scenery is great!
How to deal with you: We're not going to lie: you're a head-turner. The Death Defier will want to bask in your glory. The Parent will want to drive in convoy with you. The Rosberg will give you right of way. The Pastor will speed up to keep up with you – and the DJ will play your favourite song.